


You Woke Up Something Inside Me

by series_fan_95



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Developing Relationship, F/M, Friends to Lovers, SHIELD is a happy family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-06
Updated: 2014-10-02
Packaged: 2018-02-03 15:17:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1749242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/series_fan_95/pseuds/series_fan_95
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natasha and Clint have been partners for three years. Natasha is afraid to love again and Clint has a girlfriend who hates Natasha...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hey everyone!  
> this is my first work so i would really aprreciate all your comments and feedbacks!  
> lov ya all!!! <3

“Clint! Clint! Calm down! Try to listen to me, Clint!” Natasha was practically screaming at him but he wouldn’t listen.  
“I can’t see! Don’t you understand! It’s over! I’m over!” Natasha tried to calm him down but he wouldn’t listen. For a sniper his eyesight was the most important thing and now that he had lost it he was having -not without a reason- a panic attack. When Natasha saw that words wouldn’t do the trick and his condition was getting worse decided to take more drastic measures. She captured his shoulders and shook him but his spasms and shouting wouldn’t stop. Her mind was thinking simultaneously five thousand things and Clint’s breakdown wasn’t helping at all. And then it happened. She smashed her lips against his in a furious kiss that revealed all the hidden emotions she had for the past three years that they were partners. Clint was shocked by the kiss but after a minute he responded enthusiastically. And then he promptly past out. 

Natasha patched him up as best as she could. He had a broken arm and a bullet wound in his leg. She didn’t know if he had an internal bleeding but his breathing and pulse seemed steady. She had a knife wound in her abdomen but it was nothing major so she put some pressure on it as she was sitting next to her partner. She had called Coulson and told him that they needed extraction. They never needed extraction. That made their handler find the nearest jet and sent it to them. Extraction would be there in 15 minutes. When the agents arrived Natasha almost shot them but when she saw their badges she calmed down and past out as well because of the blood loss. 

The first thing Natasha noticed was bright lights. That meant hospital. When her eyes adapted to the light she noticed that she wasn’t in the same room with Clint. She had no idea where he was or if he was ok. Next to her was sitting Melinda May. The woman was almost Coulson’s age and although she kicked ass she had retired from field missions so she was only there for the paperwork. Melinda may have been retired but she was the only one who was sparring with Natasha and occasionally kicked her ass too. No one knew that since the only time they met to practice was after hours at an empty gym. When Natasha first came to SHIELD nobody would talk or even look at her. The only people who saw her as a person with feelings and weaknesses were Clint, Melinda, Coulson, Maria and Fury. The truth was that these people were more than she could ever ask for and she was more than happy with it. 

“It was about time for you to get up” Melinda greeted her in a warm voice.  
“Hello to you too. How is Clint?”  
“he is….ok”  
“what is that supposed to mean? Can I see him?”  
“I wouldn’t advise you to go see him now but in a couple of hours if you can pass through the nurses you can go”  
“is Bobbi there now?” Natasha asked and her face fell  
“yes Nat” the senior agent replied.

It was no secret that Barbara Morse, Clint’s current girlfriend, hated Natasha more than anybody. She insulted Natasha whenever she could and she had no choice but to accept that so she wouldn’t create any problems in their relationship. Once Clint found out, he got extremely mad at Bobbi and was in the verge of breaking up with her and if it wasn’t for Natasha who stood up for her, he would have done it. But this meant nothing to Barbara. She kept insulting Natasha since to her, she was a threat. Natasha had been spending a lot of time with Clint and had taught him a lot of things life hand to hand combat and how to cook some foods. Barbara got furious whenever Clint said “Natasha said this” or “Natasha did that” but she kept quiet in front of him. She saved all of her wrath for the redhead. 

After Melinda left, Natasha was all alone in the room. Then she had time to go through the whole mission in her head. There was no doubt that their intel was wrong. They were caught red handed with the brainwashing injection AIM was making and the alarm had gone off three minutes after their arrival. Natasha was the best spy in the world and she had cracked better systems than this. There was no way this was her fault. After that hundreds of soldiers were heading towards them and they ran into the forest that was outside of the lab. Natasha knew that forest so when they threw a grenade to them, she shot one of Clint’s explosive arrows and hid with him in a nearby cave. 

When the doctor arrived she was told that she was relatively fine and that she could leave in the next few days. When he left she went to see Clint. He was still asleep and she sat on a chair next to him.  
“Hey there birdbrain” she said taking his hand “I missed you. I am good so I can go home and take a long bath. To tell you the truth, I hate these one sided conversations so you better be ok soon. ” she leaned to kiss his forehead but she heard someone approaching so she sat up, letting go of his hand. Her fears proved to be right as Barbara walked into the room  
“what are you doing here?” she demanded angrily. Natasha tried to calm her down but to no avail  
“please, don’t make a scene here. I was just leaving…”  
“Make a scene? You think I am some kind of a drama queen? Is that what you have been telling Clint about me? Is that why he has been so distant? This is all your fault! He ended up there because of you!”  
They hadn’t heard Coulson coming in because of Barbara’s screaming  
“actually” he said calmly yet firmly “if it wasn’t for Natasha they would be both dead. You should thank her instead of treating her like that” Barbara looked away angry but didn’t leave  
“I...I should go… ” Natasha mumbled before she walked out of the room with her head down. She usually didn’t care of what other people were saying, but her? She was the worst person that had ever insulted her. It wasn’t the insults that hurt her. She had heard far worse. It was the fact that she wasn’t allowed to see her best friend and that she could do nothing about it. Reacting would bring the end of Clint’s relationship. She had feelings for Clint, feelings that she thought that had disappeared after her husband’s death, but she wasn’t going to act on it. They had a great friendship and he was with someone else. She didn’t want to ruin the one good thing that had ever happened in her life. Not for something as selfish as this. 

Natasha heard footsteps following her and knew exactly to whom they belonged - Phil Coulson. She started walking faster, to avoid him and his interrogation, but she couldn’t disobey his order to stop and turn around. After all he was her superior. She turned on her heels and waited for him to come closer.  
“What was that?” he demanded  
“Coulson, you shouldn’t speak like that for Clint’s girlfriend! She is not “it”, her name is Barbara” Natasha said looking innocent and calm. Coulson was having none of it.  
“Don’t play games with me Natasha!”  
Natasha knew when she had won or lost a fight. She wasn’t stupid. She looked at the floor defeated  
“Natasha, you are one of the strongest people I know; why would you let her talk to you like this?”  
“Because she is Clint’s girlfriend” she whispered  
“that doesn’t give her the right to…”  
“You don’t understand! They have already almost broken up because of me. I won’t let anything happen to their relationship and I wont be the reason if they fall apart!” she said louder this time  
“do you love him?” Coulson said hesitantly. He was Natasha's superior but he knew her wrath at matters of the heart. And he would be a fool not the fear her  
“of course I love him! He is my best friend!” she replied convincingly, as if she didn’t understand the meaning of his words.  
“I didn’t mean it like that…”  
“NO! For god’s sake Coulson! He is my partner! Even if he wasn’t involved with someone else, even if there were no regulations against fraternization he would still be my best friend and nothing more!” she exclaimed impressed by herself that she could lie so good about something like this. Coulson believed her and looked down  
“I am sorry… I didn’t mean to…”  
“It’s alright.” She said and walked away.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone! so, i continue my First fic and i wanted to say a huge thank to all of you who have read it and i really hope you liked it!  
> i will not update for a couple of days since i give my exams and i'm writing my last lesson on tuesday  
> hopefully i will update again tuesday night or wednesday!  
> love you all!!!! <3 <3 <3

Coulson walked back to Clint’s room and saw that Barbara had left. He sat at the chair next to him and waited. In the afternoon Clint woke up to find his handler next to him. That was expected. He wanted to find Natasha but no matter how many times he had sat beside her at a hospital room, she didn’t return the favor. Not once.  
Clint opened his eyes to see in what crappy room they had put him this time but even when he did so, all he could see was darkness. Panic started rising inside him. If he was blind he couldn’t be a sniper, if he wasn’t a sniper he was nothing! He started trembling and he felt a hand on his shoulder.  
“Who’s there?” he shouted  
“calm down Clint” he heard his handler’s voice “it’s alright. You have a cracked arm and a flesh wound on your leg. The blindness is treatable. You just hit your head and the frontal eye field was a little damaged. You will be operated” Clint relaxed when he heard the word treatable.  
“How is Natasha?” he asked  
“she had a stab wound but she is released now. Do you want to see her?”  
Clint nodded and Coulson shuffled his pocket to find his phone. Before he started dialing he said to Clint “I believe that there is something you need to know”  
***

A few minutes later Clint heard the door open and Phil went silent.  
“What is it? Who is there? Why no one’s talking?” Clint started asking and looked around erratically  
“he is jumpy when he is blind!” a warm voice filled the room and made Clint smile. Natasha.  
“You shouldn’t mock the blind guy! It’s immoral!” he said in mock-hurt  
“I think you misunderstood. Your partner, Natasha Romanoff walked in, not someone with morals…” Coulson replied laughing  
“You know I’m standing over here, right guys? Hilarious, really!” she said with a smile on her face  
“I’ll leave you to for a moment. I have some paperwork to fulfill. Try not to kill him Romanoff” said Coulson before leaving the room  
“Soooo…. ” said Clint “I kind of remember some bits and pieces but do you mind filing in the rest?”  
“Sure!” she said sitting next to him “what do you remember?”  
“I remember the injection, the AIM soldiers chasing us, being shot and the hit in my head and I remember you dragging me in that cave. From that moment everything was a blur and I don’t know what is real and what I imagined”  
“you were having a panic attack. That’s why you don’t remember.” She continued from where he left off “You couldn’t see, you shouted, I shook you to stop you but you wouldn’t stop shaking and screaming. I knocked you out and waited for evac” Clint nodded understanding. So I had only imagined the kiss, he thought. They continued talking about various things when Natasha’s phone buzzed.  
“Coulson?” she asked “what’s wrong?” Clint could hear Phil’s voice through her phone but he couldn’t understand what he was saying. “Yeah, ok” she said puzzled. Then she passed the phone to him. “He wants you” was all she said. Clint took the phone and nodded at his handler’s instructions, then he hang up.  
“He wants me to act like I haven’t recovered yet. What do you think is going on?”  
“Maybe Fury is coming and Coulson hasn’t finished his paperwork! Now play dead like a good dog!” She said smiling  
“Watch it Romanoff! I bite!” he said and he gave her his hand to hold “come ooon! Act like you care!” she smiled, took his hand and sat next to him.  
In less that a minute Coulson walked in with someone. That someone wasn’t Nick Fury. It was Barbara Morse. When they entered Coulson walked out quietly and Natasha stood up immediately. Clint still pretended to be asleep but before Natasha had a chance to “wake” him Barbara started shouting.  
“What are you doing here?” she spat “you have no right to be here!”  
“No, Barbara please stop, not now…” Natasha tried to silence her but to no avail.  
“You don’t get to talk like that! Stop treating me like I’m crazy! I know what you are up to! You little bitch are trying to steal my boyfriend!”  
“No! You don’t understand! Clint…”  
“He is not saving you this time! Listen up what is going to happen! You are requesting a new partner and you stay away from us! You don’t even greed Clint at the corridors and you get out of our lives once and for all or I’ll make your life a living hell!” Natasha said nothing. Her face fell since Clint wasn’t sleeping and still said nothing it clearly meant that…  
“Speak for yourself!” Clint’s calm yet angry voice interrupted her thoughts. Barbara looked at him like she had been through an electric shock and Natasha put her head in her hands. She knew this wouldn’t end well for everyone.  
“What is going on?” Barbara asked “you planned this? You wanted to make me look like a crazy drama queen! This is all your fault!”  
“Natasha get out! WE will talk later” Clint said still calm. Natasha walked quickly out of the room. After all she had a senior agent to kill…ehm... find she meant, find!

“What the hell was that for?” Clint shouted at Barbara. Now that they were alone he could deal with Bobbi and Bobbi alone!  
“So somehow this is my fault? This slut is practically on you the whole time! You have to be blind if you haven’t noticed!” Barbara spat back  
“Really classy Bobbi! Thank you!” Clint said looking down  
“You know what I meant…” she said turning around  
“This can’t go one like this…” Clint replied quietly  
“She told you that? We were ok before her”  
“This wasn’t going to work Bobbi… you see that… maybe it’s best if we stopped seeing each other…”  
“So after four years is that all that you have to say?” she said raising her tome again  
“What do you want me to say? That we are ok? That we will work things out? We barely see each other anymore!”  
“Fine!” she spat and walked out of the room. When Clint heard the door close behind her, for the first time in a while he felt a weigh lifted off his shoulders. Now he could only think about Natasha. 

***  
When found Coulson, she was REALLY pissed off! She couldn’t believe that he had spilled his guts to Clint about a matter that she had pointed out how important it was to stay a secret. But, before she reached their handler’s office she got a call from Fury himself. She put off her plans to kill the senior agent for later and walked to the director’s office.  
She knocked, opened the door and found both Coulson and Fury waiting for her.  
“Take a seat agent Romanoff” Fury said. Natasha sat down and shot deadly glares to her handler. Coulson was relieved that she wouldn’t do anything when Fury was present. Later he would try to dean with her. And make his will.  
“I called you here because of your partner’s state” Fury said seriously. Natasha looked immediately alarmed  
“What’s wrong with him? He’s had worse...”  
“the damage in his eyes is indeed treatable but the operation may have great complications may even fail… I need you to inform him about this and since the surgery will be done in two weeks I was wondering if you could take care of him. He must not be stressed or tired. He can lift heavy things or push. You understand how delicate is the situation?” Fury explained  
“Yes sir. She said coldly. I will do as you say” she then sat up to leave but Fury’s voice stopped her once more “take good care of our archer” he said. Natasha turned and looked at him angrily “No!” she said “I will take good care of MY FRIEND”.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone!  
> so i finished my exams and from now on i am going to be posting every day... or at least try!  
> thank you SOOO much if you are still reading this and i would really appreciate your comments  
> lov yaaaa!!! <3 :)

Natasha practically ran down the corridor. Clint shouldn’t get stressed. Barbara could be stressful. At this point she didn’t care who Barbara was, she was going to kick her out and help Clint calm down at all cost. The other agents that she met on her way there were cleaning a path for her. Everyone knew what the black widow was capable of when she was calm. Seeing her now, determined and angry made the ill willed go run and hide. And Natasha was angry. Angry at Coulson who had told Clint everything, at Fury who had kept from them the dangers of the operation, at herself who had left Clint alone with her and at Barbara who just wasn’t good enough for him! Who talks like that to a guy in the hospital who has just lost his most valuable sense!  
When she reached Clint’s room she found her archer alone. That was a relief but his body language indicated that he had a lot in his mind. That wasn’t good. She walked in announcing herself. Clint looked up immediately.   
“Hey” she said reaching for the chair next to his bed “I need to talk to you”  
“I need to talk to you” he replied coldly.   
“Clint this is important and I believe that anything you need to tell me…”  
“Oh! So THIS is important? This? Whatever this can be, is more important than Bobbi insulting you like this? And you couldn’t even tell me one word? I mean how could you let her treat you like that”  
after his outburst Natasha tried to calm him down by sitting next to him on the bed and touching his arm  
“it was only one time Clint…” she said reassuringly  
“will you ever stop lying to me?” now that he had shouted at her he was much calmer but still looked hurt “when I first met you I swore that I would never lie to you. After Marrakesh you promised to do the same”  
“it was for your own good…” she whispered defeated  
“then obviously you don’t know what is good for me…”  
“Clint please… what happened with Bobbi?” she said taking both of his hands in hers. Clint sits up   
“well… we decided that things wouldn’t work out between us” he said “and we broke it off”  
Natasha enveloped him into a hug and she felt his body release all the tension that had been building up for the past hours. When he actively hugged her back he breathed deep into her hair and asked her what did she want to tell him. Natasha felt her voice caught in her throat but then she remembered that she had to be strong for him  
“well, good news is that you are going home” she started “a little less good news is that the operations is in two weeks” and finally she said with a sign “and the bad news is that in the meantime you will need someone to watch over you and that the operation may fail or have complications”  
Clint broke away from her hug and stayed silent.   
“That good huh?” she finally said “so, best case scenario, I stay blind”  
“no!” she cut him off “best case scenario, you can see again and maybe better than before”  
Clint looked down disbelieving. Nothing had ever worked right for him. Why would things go right now? Natasha saw his reaction and cupped his face with her hands. Clint closed his eyes and gave in into her touch.  
“No matter what happens you have people who would literary die for you and will not give up on you. Never. ” when he didn’t respond she added “I was thinking… since Barbara won’t be there, would you like me to come and help you with, you know, cooking, cleaning and stuff?”   
at her words his eyes lit up and looked at her with a hesitant smile   
“I’d like that, yea… thanks” he said and his cheeks turned pink  
after she packed his stuff she helped him reach his house. When they got there Natasha couldn’t believe her eyes and for once she was glad that Clint couldn’t see. The place was torn apart. She knew that Clint wasn’t the most tidy guy in the world, thanks to the rooms they have shared when on a mission, but she was quiet sure that this wasn’t his doing. She sat him on the couch and quietly examined the rest of the house. Just like she had imagined the bedroom was in worse condition that the living room. The bed sheets were on the floor along with the pillows and half of the clothes on the closet were out. Natasha made the bed and put the cloths back. Then she tidied up the living room and went to the kitchen to make dinner. She avoided as best as she could Clint’s questions but eventually she would have to tell him…  
After they ate their food she read him from a book that she had bought him ages ago and he still hadn’t read. When her work there was done and the clock showed midnight she decided that it was time for her to go home and let him rest  
“would you like me to help you with anything else?” she asked him  
“well… I could use some company…”  
“Clint… it’s late and I have to get home…”  
“You could stay! My bed is a double, so it’s comfortable”  
“I need my stuff and I have to take a bath”  
“I have a bathroom here and you could bring your stuff over. Please Nat... If it’s not too much… I don’t want to be alone… not tonight at least”  
Clint had never begged for anything. And she had never seen him so sad.   
“Let me take my stuff and I’ll be back in a minute” he nodded and she kissed him on the cheek before leaving.  
Almost an hour later, Natasha true to her word, came back with a couple of clothes and underwear, her laptop and other things she would need upon her stay there. When she came back Clint looked genuinely happy and she hadn’t seen him so happy in a long time. 

From that day on they started a new routine. She would wake up first and make him breakfast. Then she would fill up the paperwork Coulson would email her. After that she would read him and then cook. They would re-watch old tv series so that he wouldn’t miss the action, he had already seen them. Every other day they would visit the doctors and at night she would bath him –at first he had protested but in the end she won the argument- and then take a bath herself. Natasha insisted on sleeping on the couch but Clint said that after he had lost the argument about the bath she owned him that. They had slept on the same bed before but every time they had they would sleep on the edge of the bed. Now Clint was on sleeping on his back peacefully and Natasha was lying on his chest with his hand on her waist, keeping her close to his body. It had been a long time since someone held her like that without expecting anything from her. Natasha felt something wake inside her, something she had thought it had died or at least fallen into an eternal sleep. That kiss at the cave had broken a dam of feeling she had been keeping well hidden for three years. Now, the feeling of Clint’s arms around her, holding on to her, protecting her, made those feelings wake up again. A tear fell from her eye, partly because of the remembrance of her lost love and partly from fear that this would end like last time… or even worse…


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there!  
> I know that it took me a couple of days to update and I am sorry for the wait! here is the new chapter and I promise that I will update soon!   
> I hope you will like it! please comment! :) <3

Time is a wondrous thing. An hour could pass like a century and a decade like a minute. The two weeks that Natasha was living with Clint passed so quickly that neither of them noticed. Monday morning found the two assassins on their way to the SHIELD hospital. Clint was put in a room and he was told that they would pick him up at 12.00 for the surgery. Natasha helped him get as comfortable as he could and soon Coulson came to check on them. He was saying something about the operation but Natasha was too focused on her partner to listen. Clint seemed distracted as well. No one knew if the operation would be successful and even if it was what would be the cost. Natasha had never been more terrified in her entire life. She was hopeless and could do nothing for the one person in this world that meant so much for her. 

The hours until the operation time passed excruciating slowly and it seemed like the clock was stuck. Only the rhythmic tic toc reminded them that the hours did pass. At some point Clint couldn’t take it anymore and asked Natasha to stop it. She pulled the batteries out and saw the time. 11.30. They would come for him anytime now… she quietly asked Coulson to leave them alone for a minute and he nodded. 

“Hey” Natasha whispered as she sat next to him on the bed  
“hey” he echoed  
“it’s almost time…”   
“Nat, what is going to happen if it doesn’t work? What is going to happen if I stay blind?”  
“Then, we will learn Braille language and we will get a desk job”  
“we?” he asked?  
“You are my partner Clint… you won’t get rid of me that easily”  
“I… I don’t want to…” he said, his voice just barely above a whisper, as his hand was searching for hers. She took his hand and entwined their fingers together. Her mind was screaming that she shouldn’t get compromised, not now, but her heart was so full of emotion that the voice of sense was completely silenced. 

Both of their palms were sweaty but neither of them cared. They stayed like that for some time. The words that they had left unsaid were hanging in the air between them. They didn’t care for the heavy atmosphere. Their entire partnership was built on half truths and unexposed experiences. Natasha for the first time in her life she felt that she had time to explore and find out who Clint was; she had time to let Clint know her.   
The door opened again and Coulson came in with a couple of nurses and doctors behind him “it’s time” he said. Natasha, without a word, stood up and turned her back on Coulson and the others, facing only Clint. “No matter what, I will be here” she said too him   
“can I have a good luck kiss?” he said hesitantly. Natasha without any hesitation kissed him softly on the forehead  
“not quiet what I meant but ok…” he said defeated, his eyes sparkling, on the verge of tears  
“Clint…”she trailed off. She had always wanted to kiss Clint (really kiss him, not like their kiss in the cave where he wasn’t in control of his body and in the end he passed out) but it was completely wrong, especially now. Coulson was watching them and he could assigned them in different continents for the rest of their lives.   
“It’s alright… I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have asked… it was my fault… you have every right…” his apologies were cut off by her soft lips on his. The kiss what sweet and tender, slow and soft and nothing like he had ever imagined. Her lips caught his and just when he started to respond she pulled away before he could have a chance to taste her.   
“Come back with a pulse and we will resume from where we left it” Natasha whispered against his lips. Clint was still stunned from the kiss and Natasha being the only thing on his mind and he could only manage a nod. Coulson and the doctors were looking anywhere but the two assassins who were “conversing”. When Natasha turned around the doctors took Clint for the operation and left Natasha with Coulson alone in the room. 

“Natasha…” she knew that look. It was Coulson’s I-don’t-trust-you-so-I-will-talk-you-out-of-it-instead look. “what you told me two weeks earlier…”   
“Coulson” she cut him off because this wasn’t the best time to discuss with her boss about her relationship with her partner “what I and Clint do when we are not on a mission is our business, not SHIELD’s”  
“I know Natasha… just… don’t hurt him… this means something to him…”   
“And to me” she said as she walked out of the room

It was twelve o’clock and Natasha was sitting on an uncomfortable chair outside of the surgery room. Soon Coulson came and sat down on another chair next to her with a stack of paperwork.   
“About earlier…” he said without looking at her  
“Don’t! Just don’t!” Natasha cut him off.   
Coulson didn’t try to talk to her for the rest of his stay there. An hour later he took his papers mumbled something about work and left. 

It was already 15.00 when Melinda walked in the waiting room. She carried a plastic bag with her which contained food as Natasha smelled. She hadn’t eaten anything since this morning but she couldn’t eat anything. Not without throwing up anyway. She felt like there was something on her stomach and throat that didn’t let her eat. But Melinda dropped the bag with the food next to her and sat down next to Natasha to talk. 

It was 18.00 when Melinda left. She did help Natasha pass some time but she said that she was behind on her schedule. Melinda was a person who always did everything based on a program. So, only the fact that she stayed with Natasha, to help her deal with this situation meant a lot to her. 

Two hours later Natasha was out of her mind. Doctors and nurses were getting in and out of the surgery room and yet no one would tell her a thing.   
She stood up every time she saw someone and she even coughed but the only thing they would do was to ignore her. They looked at her and then they looked away.  
That was making Natasha even more nervous. She knew that she was the most feared agent but that was ridiculous!  
She was about to shoot or at least maim a doctor when she heard a familiar voice behind her. 

“You need to relax Natasha. Or you won’t make it tonight” Maria Hill, deputy director of SHIELD and the closest Natasha had ever had to a girl best friend. Natasha’s relationship with Melinda was more the one of mentor/teacher/mother. With Maria they had silly girl talks and went shopping together. When she first came to SHIELD Maria was one of the few people who didn’t fear her. Natasha respected her for that and for the position she managed to get later. Maria had arrived with a stack of books. It was known throughout SHIELD that the deputy director loved books.   
“Shouldn’t you be working now?” Natasha asked smiling  
“and you should be calmer after all these hours. Anyway, I brought you some books to help you with the waiting”  
“thank you Maria. I really appreciate it.” Maria smiled and sat down inviting the red head to join her. Natasha joined her reluctantly. She still had her mind on the doctors.   
“This isn’t the first surgery he is going through…” the brunette said   
“I know it is about his eyesight and you know how important this is for him and Fury must have told you about the complications that we don’t know what exactly they could be and they don’t tell me anything!” Natasha said in one breath.   
“You love him” Maria stated, half surprised, half knowing it  
“There are regulations”  
“I am not here as the deputy director of SHIELD and you know that Nat”   
“Love is for children” Natasha replied not wanting to continue with that conversation. Maria nodded, understanding.   
Natasha gave her a sad smile but her mind was elsewhere. Maria tried to relax her with small talk but to no avail. She left a couple of hours later.   
Natasha knew that because of her position she had lots of work and now that she had spent all this time with her she would have even more.   
She hugged the brunette before leaving -something that she had only done to three people- and made a note to take her out for dinner. 

For the next hours Natasha tried to read the books Maria had brought her but she couldn’t. Either it wasn’t the right book, or she heard a noise or she felt tired, she just couldn’t finish them. Coulson was coming and going but even he stopped at some point. Natasha, noticing his absence and trying to figure out a reason, she looked at the clock. It was 3 o’clock in the morning. He would probably be sleeping. The doctors didn’t come out as often as they used to but they would always treat her the same.   
After a while she heard footsteps closing in. then she recognized these footsteps: Director Fury. When he walked in Natasha stood up and greeted him. He waved at her to sit down and then he sat next to her. 

“How is it going?” he asked   
“they wont tell me anything” Natasha said like she was reporting her partners condition  
“that’s good” he said smiling reassuringly “no news is good news”  
“I guess…” she said looking back at the door  
“relax Natasha. After all he has something to live for, right?” he said touching her cheek. Natasha jumped at the touch. Clint had joked once about how Fury treated her like he had adopted her but she didn’t believe him. Nick Fury was the closest thing she ever had to a father figure but she never showed a thing and didn’t believe that he would see her as a daughter.   
“Sir, is everything alright?” she asked suspiciously   
“Shhh… calm down Natasha… you know that you have nothing to fear from me child…” maybe she wasn’t as strong as she thought she was. Maybe she had fooled the others but not him. 

At the world “child” Natasha let out all the tears she had been holding for two weeks now. Then she felt two strong arms around her. Usually that would be Clint but now it was Fury. He held her and rocked her in his arms like a baby until her sobbing stopped. 

“Shhh… it is going to be fine… I promise… just sleep Natasha…” he said and she was too tired to argue. 

When she woke up, Fury was gone and she wondered if she had imagined the whole scene.   
She looked at the clock once more. It was 8 in the morning now. She stood up and walked around to help her muscles relax from the uncomfortable sleep.   
After that she sat down again and waited. Not much time had passed when a nurse came out. Natasha was almost certain that she would be ignored but the nurse approached her.

“Agent Romanoff” she said “the surgery is complete”


	5. Chapter 5

The surgery was over, but Natasha’s waiting wasn’t.   
She had been waiting next to Clint for two days, waiting for him to wake up.   
The doctors had told her that the surgery was successful, Clint’s vision was restored and enhanced and theoretically there would be no complications. Theoretically 

Maria and Melinda had been visiting her but they did almost nothing to calm her down. Every day that Clint didn’t wake up was another day of desperation for Natasha.   
Fury hadn’t showed up since that night. She wasn’t even sure if he had shown up at all. Maybe it was just something that her tired mind had made up in order to help her relax.   
Coulson came more often but they didn’t talk. She had forgiven him for not keeping her secret since it had led to that amazing kiss but she hadn’t forgiven him for what he said afterwards.   
“This means something to him” he had said. Like this meant nothing to her, like she was playing with Clint, her Clint.   
Coulson of all people should know that. Just because she was the Black Widow and because she was trained to bring men on their knees, that didn’t mean that she wanted the same with him.   
He was there when she almost lost her mind when Clint took a bullet for her in Budapest, he was there when she called Clint’s name, almost dead after the torture she had been through in Cairo.

On the third day Coulson had walked in the room with a plastic bag in his hands.   
“Hello Natasha” he said as he was opening the bag at the table next to Clint’s bead. When she didn’t reply, he continued “you really need to eat something”   
“I am good, thank you” she said coldly   
“Natasha this can’t go on like this…” he said sitting on the chair next to the bed “you know I never meant to hurt you…”   
“No I don’t”  
“Natasha!” he exclaimed “you told me that you didn’t feel anything for him and then I find you two kissing. What do you expect me to believe?”  
“I don’t expect you to believe anything”  
“I am just trying to figure out what is going on here, please help me!”  
“It’s none of your business”   
“of course it’s my business! I care about you! About both of you! You know Clint… he may be investing a lot in this and I don’t know if you feel the same… for what is worth, I believe that you two should be together…” Natasha looked down at his words. She never had anyone to worry about her and now she had so many people who had her back. She wasn’t going to let one of them walk away because he believed her lies.   
“What did you bring?” she asked and he smiled relieved. Coulson opened the take out boxes that were from an Italian restaurant they had gone several times before. Natasha hadn’t eaten anything since the previous morning and the food smelled ten times better as her stomach growled.   
They ate in silence and when they finished Natasha cleaned up the place, throwing away the boxes.   
“You really love him, don’t you?” he asked when she was facing away from him  
“isn’t that against regulations?” she said without turning to face him  
“and when was the last time that you two followed regulations?”   
Natasha looked at him this time and smiled. “You should get going. You have work to do…”  
“I was about to say the same to you” he said but deep down he knew he was defeated. She wasn’t going to leave. One look convinced him and he walked away.

It had been two nights since Natasha slept and she could feel her body starting to give up under the tiredness. She took Clint’s hand in hers and closed her eyes. Five minutes she told herself.   
When she woke up again, the sun was gone and a full moon was shinning out of the window. It was more than five minutes… what her sleep-deprived brain couldn’t understand was the reason she woke. The she felt a squeeze in her hand. Then she figured it out. That woke her! She turned and looked at Clint. His eyes were open and they were looking straight to her. It was a nice thing to see after all these days when he was staring somewhere into space. 

“Have I told you that you look absolutely gorgeous?” he said with the little powers that he had and she felt all the blood from her body rush to her cheeks. She smiled and sat next to him, on the bed. “How are you feeling?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper, not wanting to ruin the magic of the moment with her voice.   
“I can see just fine if that’s what you’re asking…”   
they spent the next moments in silence, content that this was finally over. There were no obvious changes on him so no complications, she thought relieved. She had no idea how much time had passed since she left to inform someone that he was awake. The both walked back in the room and a nurse took his temperature and some blood, to run tests and checked his blood pressure. After that she left and Natasha tucked him back to bed and he slept peacefully for the rest of the night. 

Much to his disappointment Clint was released in three weeks. He wanted to leave sooner but the doctors suggested that he should stay for further observation and Natasha insisted, so he just agreed. During these weeks Natasha only left his side when Coulson guaranteed that he would be there and she ran home to take showers or sleep for a couple of hours. Dark circles had formed under her eyes but she was more relaxed. They hadn’t talked about their kiss or her promise to resume it after the surgery.   
Natasha helped him pack his things and go back home when he was -finally- released. On their way she couldn’t stop staring at, well everything… in his hospital room there wasn’t much to see so he didn’t pay attention. But out there everything seemed, was brighter, more clear. He could see all the new possibilities that operations had opened in his work but also in his everyday life. When they reached his house, apart from the obvious order in his stuff, he smelled the freshness when the door was opened.   
“I don’t remember leaving it like this” he said crossing his hands on his chest but smiling playfully  
“I had some spare time so I thought…” she said as she was preparing dinner. 

They ate what she had cooked and after that she turned to leave “there is food in the fridge and coffee is on the second cupboard” she gave him the last instructions “remember not to move heavy stuff and get as much rest as you can. If you need anything call me at any time”

She was really going to leave. His time with her was over. It was hard to be alone after something like that, but it was even worse that he would have to be without his Natasha. His, because he had never felt like that for anyone before her. When she came into his life, she was the first person that he thought about in the morning and the last when he went to sleep. She was his Natasha because he would die for her any moment, because if she wasn’t around he found it hard to smile, because she had changed his life in so many ways that he didn’t want to remember how his life was without her. Even when he was with Barbara he could only think about her hair, her eyes, her smile. She was the only woman in his life and he couldn’t even think of sleeping with his ex while Natasha was filling his mind. 

Before he could let his logic take over his mind again, before he could think that this was a bad idea, he grabbed her hand and turned her to face him. Then he put his hands on her face and slowly kissed her. At first she was stunned at the kiss but soon she recovered and started kissing him back opening her mouth to take him in. He eagerly explored her mouth with his tongue, as his hands got lost in her hair. Natasha had surrendered to the kiss and it was the first time that she felt so powerless and it was so beautiful. He was obviously in control and she was only holding onto him for life because at this moment he was all that she needed to breath. 

“I need you” he breathed in her mouth when they broke apart “you are all I need”

This time it was Natasha who gave in first and kissed him, more certain this time. She was holding him as close to her as she could, hoping that this would be enough for now and that she would be able to stop before it was too much since he wasn’t in condition for more. They stumbled in the bedroom without breaking the kiss. As the lips were exploring each others mouths, the hands were following their own path, burning with unleashed heat wherever they touched; heat that was trapped for three years and now it was finally free to take over the world. 

Clint placed her gently on the bed and he covered her with his body, kissing his was from her lips to her neck and chest  
“No!” she tried to shout but it was weaker than she had imagined “Clint stop!”  
he stopped immediately and looked at her, glassy-eyed with his pupils dilated, full of lust, confusion, hurt and something else, something deeper, darker, something that she couldn’t completely understand…   
“Clint we can’t… the doctor said a month…”   
Clint’s disappointment was obvious since he buried his face in her neck and groaned irritated. Natasha laughed and wrapped her arms and legs around him, holding him close.   
Neither of them was eager of letting go but eventually Clint’s weight was too much for Natasha and she shuffled underneath him. He understood and got up.   
“Will you stay with me tonight?” he asked but she saw in his eyes that he needed more  
“I will stay for as long as you want me” she said and caught his lips on another kiss, much slower this time.

They fell asleep curled up together, breathing each other and blacking the whole world away from them. It was the best sleep they ever had, content, relaxed, happy, safe, complete. 

The only small think that was between Natasha and complete happiness was that she hadn’t told him yet. But she would. After all, he would understand. He was Clint, her best friend, her love…


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone!  
> i am so sorry if anyone waited for this!!!!

Twenty days of pure happiness for Clint.  In that time he would sleep and wake up with Natasha in his arms.  He hadn’t felt more complete in his whole life.   
They hadn’t made love yet – the doctor didn’t allow exercise of any form- but he was happy to just cuddle her. Not that he would complain about anything more … intimate.   
Natasha on the other hand was nervous.  She knew that eventually they would have to move their relationship to the next level but she didn’t know how. It wasn’t that she didn’t want Clint, or that she hadn’t dreamt of it A LOT but still, she hadn’t had sex with emotion since she was practically a child.    
She saw how eager Clint was and she didn’t want to disappoint him but still there were lots of things holding her back.   
  
  
One of them being SHIELD.  
  


Fury had called them in his office after Clint’s final exam.  They had gone to the doctor together and everything seemed fine.  For once in both their lives things were working out well.  However, the good news did little to reduce their nervousness about the meeting with the director.  Their relationship was breaking several regulations and it was supposed to serve as a distraction in the field.  
Although they hadn’t been doing anything different, after his surgery and break up with Barbara rumors about them among SHIELD agents had been spread.  
They would never go out in the open and the fact that they denied the rumors did nothing to make the other agents believe that.  Apparently their co-workers had been betting that they would be together long before they had realize it.   
  


Natasha knocked the door of Fury’s office and entered with Clint following her.

  
“Sit down agents” Fury said, his tone serious. They both sat down silently. If Natasha knew what being reprimanded by the principal in highschool felt like, that would be it.  
“Several agents claim that there is more than a strong partnership between you two.  Romanoff, I trust you know that romantic relationships between field agents are highly reprimanded.  Barton you have never read the regulations but even you should know that. Is there anything that you have to say about yourselves?”

  
“sir” Natasha started “we have been partners for over three years now.  Our partnership is, without a doubt, the best in SHIELD. There is not a mission that we haven’t successfully completed. Even if we were romantically involved that wouldn’t change anything since being romantically involved means being in love for a while. If –and I repeat IF- we were in love during these missions and nothing went out of plan, what would being in a relationship change?  According to the rumors… which are just rumors… ” 

  
Fury looked at them incredulously and turned his face away. “Do you have anything else to say?” he asked and when they shook their heads he continued “Romanoff you are dismissed” Clint and Natasha exchanged a glance and then she walked out of the room careful not to run but also not to walk too slow 

  
“Is there anything else sir?” Clint asked when they were alone in the room  
“The rumors are not true” Fury said but it sounded like a question   
“No sir” Clint said almost automatically   
“If they were true, your relationship would be serious, right?”  
“Sir, I don’t…”  
“Don’t act like you don’t understand Barton!” Clint was left speechless.  Was that a don’t-hurt-my-daughter speech?  
“Sir, I would never hurt Natasha but even if something like that happened she is more than capable of kicking my –or anyone’s- ass, so…”   
“I know, I know…” Fury said thoughtfully.  “You are dismissed as well” he said  “and Barton” he added when he was about to leave “I got my eye on you”.

 

Natasha stood outside Fury’s office and waited. She couldn’t understand what would possibly Fury want from Clint.  The extra minutes he passed in the director’s office felt like an eternity.   
“What the hell happened?!” she whispered when he got out. He grabbed her arm and guided her away from the door  
“I think that I just met your dad…” he said half joking and half terrified   
“shut up Barton! Did you tell him anything?”  
“I just promised him that if we were in a relationship I wouldn’t hurt you” Natasha rolled her eyes and walked to the door.  
“I think that we should better go separately home” she said when he tried to follow her.  
He nodded and followed a different path.

 

Somewhere in the corridor he bumped into Hill who was too busy looking at some files in her hands to see who was coming towards her.  He muttered an apology and turned away before she could understand who it was that she had pushed.   
When she did however, Clint wasn’t as far as he wished he could go  
“oh! Barton!” she exclaimed, suddenly much more interested “how are you doing?”  
“hello Hill!” he said defeated “good… the surgery went fine…”   
she nodded and then she smirked with a mischievous look in her eyes “and how are things with Natasha?” she asked  
“good… I guess… she helped me when I couldn’t see and now we sometimes go to the doctor together…” _he was doomed_  
“aha… sure…” she said as she walked away.   
Still, when she was out of his sight he heard a “have fun” and that was unmistakably Hill’s voice.  
 Clint groaned and thought all the ways Natasha could kill him if Hill told her anything.

 

As Natasha got out and made her way to her car, Coulson called her from the other end of the garage. She saw him next to Lola, waving at her.   
“Coulson” she greeted him when she approached.   
He nodded.  
“How are you?” he asked  
“fine, we are both doing fine” she added knowing what he really wanted to say  
“I know that you are taking good care of him. He is smiling like an idiot” Natasha resisted the strong urge to comment that he really was an idiot and she let their handler continue  
“all I wanted to say was that I’m sorry for implying that you don’t… you know… and thank you for everything” he still couldn’t use the word love and she couldn’t blame him. It hurt her to feel it even if it was unvoiced. She had no idea what would happen if the word was spoken and hang in the air.  
“Yeah…” she said “don’t mention…” she didn’t know what else to say and she hated being in situations where she couldn’t come out with something smart.   
Thank god Clint was there to save her in from those situations. This time it was no exception.   
  


“Hey guys!” he greeted and both Phil and Natasha turned to look at him.    
Before their handler had a chance to start an interrogation Natasha practically shoved Clint in her car, said a goodbye to the senior agent and drove away.  
“What was that?” Clint asked when they got out of SHIELD’s premises, where they wouldn’t be monitored   
“it’s just that… everyone is acting weird and I can’t stand them anymore! ” she answered and he believed her, he truly did, since he had some experience of that himself, but there was something that she was holding from him. Something was wrong but he couldn’t understand what. He only hoped that he would lift her spirits when they got home   
“do you wanna stop at a restaurant?” she asked halfway  
“we can order from home” he replied _after what he had in mind_ …

Natasha parked the car and they walked to Clint’s apartment.  Clint kept his hands off of Natasha until the moment she turned the key in the lock.   
When he heard the _click_ of the door he hugged her from behind and put his lips on her neck. Natasha was stunned by the sudden approach but she wasn’t complaining.  
He led her in the house and closed the door.  In seconds he was with his back on the wall and Natasha was kissing him furiously. He wasn’t the man to say no.    
His hands were in her hair, pulling her as close as he could.  She was moaning in his mouth and he took it as a hint to proceed.   
His hands travelled on her back and finally she put her legs around his waist.  
He held her tight to his body and led them to the bedroom.

 

“I want you” he breathed against her neck and that sent a shiver through her body.   
She had no idea how this man had the ability to make her forget about the rest of the world with just one touch.  She felt her body go limp against his, trusting him completely with herself.  
She wasn’t sure how she let herself trust someone so fully after what had happened all these years ago. And then, memories had to come and ruin that wonderful moment.   
Clint was just about to take her to heaven, his hands teasing the hem of her shirt when she remembered all the pain and the tears her previous relationship had brought her.   
She remembered how it took her almost a year to find herself again and how she would never recover if something happened to Clint.  She would never forgive herself. Why had she let it go this far? Why hadn’t she stopped it? Why did she let this man become so important to her?

  
She was at the verge of tears and she unwillingly pushed Clint aside.  
“What’s wrong Tasha?”  The surprise and concern replacing the lust in his eyes   
“I can’t! I can’t do it Clint! I’m sorry… I’m so, so sorry!” she wasn’t sure how she had managed to hold her tears back but she was glad that she had.  
“Shhh it’s ok Tasha…” he soothed her “tell me, tell me what’s wrong…” he knew that sex was a really sensitive issue for her and he would never push her.  That nly served to make her love him more  
“I…I want you Clint… I want this… but… I can’t… I’m so sorry Clint!” she wasn’t crying, she wouldn’t cry, but holding her tears back was getting more difficult by the minute   
“Natasha…” his voice was just above a whisper, a plea to tell him her secrets, to share her burden and let him in her heart.

She knew that it was now or never…

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

“ _In the Red Room they would make every girl from the programme that turned sixteen relieve the stress from the older operatives._  
 _We would have a partner –male of female- and whenever we were needed we would be called in their rooms. The partners could change. They weren’t permanent._  
 _For two years I was taking care of a man, Dimitri I think was his name, who was as you can imagine. These nights were horrible… then, suddenly, I got a new partner. Alexei, Alexei Shostakov._  
 _The first night I went to his room and prepared myself for… you know. He had other plans. I threw myself at him and he wasn’t as eager as his predecessor._  
 _He stopped me a couple of times and in the end he told me to just lay beside him on the bed and talk. I was afraid that this was another test so I tried again. Alexei stopped me again._  
 _He assured me that he was too tired and he only wanted to talk. He asked me about my sign and my favourite food and we just talked until he fell asleep. When I made sure that he was sleeping I sneaked out and went to my room. I am not sure that I slept that night._  
 _It was the first time someone noticed me. Not the Black Widow or my body! Me, Natasha. He cared about what I liked and what I wanted. Every time that I was called for him the same thing happened._  
 _We would laugh and talk and just stay in bed until he slept. Several weeks later, as we were talking he kissed me. It felt… different… it was different. It was something that I wanted too, not something that I had to do. We slept together that night and it felt like my whole life had changed in a single night. I felt, I was another person._  
 _For six months I was living in my own little pink world. I couldn’t wait to see him again and be with him. It was the first time that I thought that I was in love. We were planning to get married when it happened._  
 _He was a pilot and he was under attack. The Americans, they said. He didn’t make it. I was angry. I was blinded by hatred of what they did to him, to me._  
 _I started following orders without asking any questions._  
 _They just gave me the target’s name and he or she was gone within a day. I couldn’t forget him and I thought I would never forgive them._  
 _But then, something changed my mind. I was going through his files (unofficially of course) and I found some records that were more encrypted than the others. I took my chances and read them._  
 _As it turned out, it wasn’t the Americans who killed him. It was the Red Room. It said that I was being distracted and I was starting to show ‘signs of disobedience’ so they had to take him out._  
 _That was the last straw. That was the night that I decided to run away and never look back. And I did. I was fine until I met you._  
 _Do you see why this is so difficult for me?”_ she said with a sad smile, stroking his face.  
  
His face, that had turned into stone. He didn’t say a word nor looked at her.

“Clint, say something” she pleaded seeing his reaction. Or the lack of thereof. It was the first time in their three year partnership that she couldn’t read him.

“What do you want me to say?” he whispered and without giving her a single look, he got out of the house. Natasha sat on the bed, stunned.  
She regained her senses quite quickly and rushed behind him

“Clint!” she was too late. Clint either didn’t hear her or didn’t want to hear her.

She could hear his footsteps on the stairs, rushed and uncertain but he wouldn’t answer. She knew that it was too much to ask. She didn’t want him to get hurt, she didn’t want this to end up like her previous relationship. She had told him everything and he ran away. Being in a relationship with her was dangerous. She was dangerous. But still, she didn’t believe that he would leave her running like that… she thought he was different. He had to be different. She had given him her heart and soul and he had run away from her. She knew that it was too much to ask from someone but still… it was disappointing. She felt a hole in the place where her heart should be and her guts all messed up and twisted. She left before she could make a worse mess of that, if this was possible.

 

Clint just started running down the stairs. He had no destination, nowhere he wanted or had to be. He just wanted to run. Run away from this. From her.  
How could she expect him to be alright?  
How could she just tell him that she was still in love with another man, a dead man, and that was the reason she couldn’t be with him?  
He heard her calling him but didn’t react, he couldn’t react. He left his heart with her but his feet were running in a different direction. What he was afraid of all those years had become reality.  
At first it was the fear of rejection. He knew he wasn’t good enough for her. She was perfect. She was the perfect spy, the perfect agent, the perfect woman. He was just an ex-carnie who could shoot with a bow. She was way out of his league. That had always been the thing with him. Falling for women who were out of his league. But she kissed him; she kissed him and it felt real. It felt like heaven had come down to earth.

Why did she have to do this to him?

Why did she have to take everything back?

His feet led him to the old bar that he used to spend the nights drinking himself to oblivion. He hadn’t visited that bar for years.  
Barbara wouldn’t let him go out alone at night and ever since he met Natasha he didn’t feel the need to. Now, there he was, sitting on the too familiars bar ordering… well… anything…

The barman didn’t recognize him. Back in the older days he would always bring him a drink on the house… keep the regular customers happy… now he was a thirty something man, more tired and completely destroyed. That night even he wasn’t able to recognize himself. Vodka, tequila, whiskey, as long as it was alcohol he was fine. He lost track of time and he couldn’t remember where he was, until someone informed him that the bar was closing; he had to leave.

Leaving the bar he figured that he had nowhere to go. His place was too small, too suffocating and it reminded him too much of her.  
Her presence was evident throughout the house, from the selves that had her books to the sweet smell of her shampoo in his pillows.  
The worst of all was her mark on his heart. He was hers no matter what he did…  
His footsteps led him in a familiar door. Although his heart was aching for her, his alcohol filled mind took him somewhere else.

He knew the place like the back of his hand…

Soon he made his way to her apartment and knocked on her door

“Clint?” she asked muffled from sleep

“Surpriseeeeee!!!!!” he said a little too loudly

“what are you doing here at… 4am?”

“Bobbbiiiiiii! Aren’t you happy to see meeeeeee?”

She was silent. She had no idea what to do or say. Clint was a good man but he had his demons.  
There were so many of them that she came to believe that the reason they fell apart was this and not the redhead.

“What do you want Clint?” she mumbled, trying to stay awake

“Let me in?” he said in what he tried to make a sexy grin. He failed miserably but she let him anyway...


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone!  
> i hope you like it so far and i am sorry for the long waits!!!  
> this chapter is a bit bigger but since it's the last before the epilogue i couldn't cut it  
> i hope you liked it and of course comments are ALWAYS apreciated and welcomed!  
> thank you for reading!!!!  
> <3 <3 <3

It was early in the morning when Bobbi woke up. She went in the bathroom and when she finished her morning rituals she reached for her phone.  It wasn’t really hard to find the number of another SHIELD agent if you knew the right people. And she did. 

Looking at the sleeping man on her couch she dialed the number she got from her friend

“Hello, Natasha? It’s Bobbi. I am sorry about the time but would you mind coming over? I think that there is something here that you need to see…”

 

Natasha had a horrible night. After she left Clint’s house she wondered through New York and she found herself in all those little shops that Clint had showed her. She had been in New York a couple of times before SHIELD but she hadn’t seen any of these.  There was a flower shop that he had bought her lilies, a small Chinese restaurant with the best noodles and wontons in the world -as he had said, even his favourite barber shop.  He had taken her to all of these, showing her a cozy part of the city that never sleeps. 

As it was getting late, she decided that it would be better to return home. She was sure that sleep wouldn’t come but she would rather be in a familiar place than the streets.  New York was great at night but when you were alone it was depressing.

 This was the first time that Natasha felt lonely. 

As she arrived home she tried to read, make some tea, turn up the radio, relax… none of these happened. The book ended up on her couch, open and unread, the water was boiled and abandoned and she didn’t even seem to like a single song.  She tried to sleep but sleep wouldn’t come.  She couldn’t bring herself to call Maria or Melinda. It was late. They would be working, meditating or whatever. And the worst thing was that she didn’t even know what to say.  She had to previous experience with these things and asking for help wasn’t one of her strongest points.  She crawled to bed and looked at the ceiling.  She couldn’t do anything and it was killing her! She watched the hours go by, the sun light the city and she heard the people outside going to their jobs –probably- and then there was the ringing. Yes, the ringing.  She felt like saying “awww phone” but that was what Clint would say and she wasn’t Clint. So, she dragged her ass of the bed and picked up the phone like nothing was wrong.  She hoped it was Fury with a new assignment…

Her hopes were proved wrong when she heard a familiar female voice. A voice she had wished to never hear again. She would have never guessed that the blonde would invite her at her house since they didn’t part in good conditions.  It was mostly curiosity that led her to the other woman’s door but still she was there in record time.  Bobbi hadn’t given her any further information about the reason she wanted her there. 

Bobbi buzzed her in and Natasha found herself in Clint’s ex apartment. Before she knocked, the door opened slightly and the blonde came out, closing the door behind her.

“Good morning” she said with a polite smile. Natasha nodded and smiled back.

“You might wonder why I called you here but you were the only person that seemed right to call.”

If Natasha was curious before, now she was dying!

“Maybe you should first see and then I’ll explain you” Bobbi said, more to herself than to Natasha. At these words she opened the door to reveal a still asleep Clint Barton on her couch.  Natasha was stunned.  She opened her mouth to say something but no words came and she closed it again. 

“I don’t want to sound like a cliché but it’s not what it looks like”

Natasha knew better than to jump to conclusions. She had to have all the facts first and then assess the situation. She always kept emotional distance from her cases and that was what made her the best at what she did. No matter how close to home a case hit her, she would always keep her distance. This time it seemed harder than any other, however, she was going to make it.

“Do you want some coffee?” Bobbi asked quietly, trying not to wake Clint. Natasha nodded and the two women went to the kitchen. 

Thank god the kitchen was not attached to the living room –unlike the one in Clint’s apartment- so they could talk freely.

“Last night” Bobbi said when they sat at the table with their coffees “Clint came here clearly drunk. I don’t know what he wanted. A rebound maybe. I don’t know how it is with you now but for me it’s over. I don’t think that we could never work ” she looked at the closed door and her mind drifted to Clint “he has lots a demons” she continued taking a sip of her coffee “I am sorry for how I acted” her attention now was fully on Natasha and she could see the honesty in the other woman’s eyes.

“Barbara, I would never do anything…”

“I know now. And deep down I knew it then too. It’s just… it was hard you know… whenever I came home and we talked, he would always talk about you. How happy he was because you smiled at him when he brought you in, how good you were when you were being evaluated, how funny you are when someone gets to know you… I had to listen to my boyfriend talk to me about his crush and if I ever told him anything he would call me jealous and crazy”

“I am sorry…” Natasha mumbled. She had expert training at many different fields.  She was a great hacker and a master manipulator.  She was an Olympic level athlete and the best spy in the world.  Having girl talks with her partner’s ex girlfriend was out of her expertise and her comfort zone. 

“I don’t blame you. I mean I did but I don’t anymore. Maybe it’s better like that. I don’t think that I could be fully happy with him. We were too different. Any way! I am babbling and we both have work to do! I don’t know what happened between you guys but you need to sort it out. He has been calling your name in his sleep all night long. ”

Natasha felt her heart flip from relief. She released a breath she didn’t know she was holding and put her now empty cup on the table

“Why don’t we go wake him up?” she said with a mischievous smile and Bobbi agreed.

 

Clint woke up slowly. The back of his head hurt – he hadn’t slept comfortably. There was light outside but he couldn’t open his eyes. It hurt too much.  He also had an awful headache. It started from the top of his nose and ended to the back of his eyes. It felt like someone was banging something in his head. But there was also another noise. One he couldn’t quite understand. It was like foot stomping on the floor but it was repeated and very light.  He knew that when he was drunk he would sometimes see things double but he had never heard anything double when he was hangover. This was new.  The stomping grew louder and curiosity got the best of him. Slowly and painfully he cracked his eyes a bit but then shut them again.  The room was too light.  On the second try he managed to keep them open but he put his hand in front of them to block the sun.  The more he tried to open his eyes the more his stomach was protesting and he thought that he was about to throw up in any minute…

“Good morning” a female voice said. It took Clint about three seconds to recognize that the voice belonged to Natasha. He had no idea what to think of that when another female voice. This one was Bobbi’s.

“I have to go. Do you want me to tell Phil that you’ll be late?” she asked

“No need to… I am catching up on some paperwork and I have been working from home for a couple of weeks”

“Alright then. Clint knows where the key is, you can close the house”

He must have been hallucinating since Bobbi and Natasha were never getting along when he was with Bobbi. Now that he broke up with her for Natasha, how could this happen? When he heard a door close he gradually opened his eyes. 

“Hey” Natasha said less confident than before “can I?” she asked showing the end of the couch. _So, he had been sleeping on a couch. That’s why he was uncomfortable!_

Clint shifted and made room for Natasha at the other end of the couch, his head spinning.

“I am sorry…” she said, her voice just a whisper.

“For what? Rejecting me for a dead guy after making me think that we had something for over a month?”

“Clint, I… wait what?”

“Natasha, I can’t compete a dead guy! I mean, I would do anything for you, but I can’t be all that I want for you if you still think of someone else…”

“Are you fucking kidding me? You are the one who ran to his ex after we fought! You understood nothing Barton! Nothing!”

If Natasha was a lesser person she would hit Clint, or shout or even cry, but she wasn’t. Clint was an idiot for believing that but he was her idiot and she wasn’t going to give up on him just like that!

Clint looked lost. He was trying to a gentleman for her, he was trying to hide how much she had wrecked him with that confession. He was dumped and she had an outburst?! Was that twilight zone? Because if it was, he didn’t like it!

“The reason I told you all this wasn’t because I am still in love with Alexei. Yes, there is a special place in my heart for him but I have moved on. It took me a year to be myself again but I moved on. If anything happens to you, I… I don’t think that I will move on… what I felt then, and now this, it is too much Clint… I don’t want anything to happen to you because of me…”

And then he understood. Maybe he was an idiot, maybe she wasn’t as good with words as she was professionally but one thing was certain.  He wasn’t alone in this.  She felt much more than she showed. 

“Natasha, no one in SHIELD is going to kill me because we are together. The worst thing they can do is ship us to different continents. But hey, what is a couple thousand miles to us, right?” he tried to lighten the mood but she didn’t share his spirit.

“I am serious. Can you be serious for once in your life?” she said without a hint of a smile.

“You want serious?” he said, suddenly angrier than before “I love you! Is that serious enough for you? I love you and I don’t believe all this… this bullshit that you are throwing me! You are not scared for me! You are scared to love and let go because you think that I will hurt you!”

Natasha’s breath was caught on her throat. She had never felt that exposed before.

“How can I not be? How can I not be when you run to your ex’s house after what I told you, without even letting me explain! How can I know that you won’t hurt me?” she pretended that he didn’t hear the _“I love you”_ part because she wasn’t ready to deal with it. 

“You are right! I was drunk and hurtful and… I don’t know1 maybe I wanted revenge, maybe I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me… I don’t know Natasha! All I know is that I haven’t thought of Barbara in that way for a long time and I wouldn’t change that month that we had for the world! ”

“I never meant to hurt you… I just wanted you to understand. But it seems that you can’t understand, even now.  It wasn’t bullshit Clint! It was my past, what I have never shared with anyone else in my life.  And maybe I was right not to share, since the only person who knows about that is calling it bullshit.” She said and stood up to leave.  There was something weird forming in her stomach. It felt like there was a huge void and a painful knot at the same time.  

“Natasha…” she heard Clint calling her as she reached for the door. She thought about ignoring him and leaving anyway, but she wasn’t going to make the same mistakes that he did! She was the responsible one in their partnership, she had to be the responsible one in their relationship too if she wanted it to work. She turned to look at him and saw the tears welling up in his eyes

“I am sorry… for everything…”

She looked at him then, really looked at him for the first time since he woke up. His eyes had dark circles and were now red because of the unshed tears. He was pale and he seemed… _weak_. She had never thought of Clint as weak.  Even when he was injured there was something in him that kept him strong. Now it seemed that every drop of energy in him was abandoning his body and it was all because of her. She slowly turned away from the door and sat beside him.

“Natasha…” he said her name as a plea to forgive him because he was being stupid and he didn’t have the ability to put a filter in his words –he should never talk to her hangover again. He raised a hand to touch her cheek and he wasn’t sure about her reaction but when she leaned into his touch, he knew that he had one more chance with her, one more chance with happiness.

“I have never felt like that for anyone… you are the first person that I love Tasha… you are the only one for me…” although the confession should make him feel lighter it only made his heart beat rapidly and he felt like the weight of the world had rested on his shoulders as he waited for her reaction.

Natasha closed her eyes and gathered up her strength. He had poured his heart to her and she couldn’t remember why she was angry at the first place

“I haven’t felt like that either…” she breathed out and slowly she leaned to kiss him. It was as soft as the first time in the hospital but this time there were no barriers, no secrets and no misunderstanding between them. Natasha rested her hands on his shoulders and he deepened the kiss, pulling her close to him.  The position was uncomfortable so Natasha moved on his lap and threaded her fingers through his short hair. He moaned at the change and his hands travelled on her back, under her shirt, trying to feel her skin, to commit to his memory the feel of her under his fingers and her taste on his mouth. She was perfect, she was everything he needed to be sane, she was the only one who had marked him like that and he would never let her go. Not now that he knew how being in heaven was like. His body was reacting to her and soon their kiss had grown hungrier and his hands were threatening to remove Natasha’s shirt until she put a stop to it.

“As much as I love you and as much I enjoy this, we are not going to have sex on your ex’s couch!” she said breathlessly

Clint was stunned. Had she just…?

“Say that again…” he muttered as breathes as she was

“We are not…”

“Not that!”

“I love you” she almost sang with a wide grin spread across her face and Clint’s eyes rolled back before he took hold of himself once more

“Let’s go home. Now”


	9. EPILOGUE

Natasha woke up on the left side of her bed. The sun had started to rise and one look at the clock next to her proved her right. It was five in the morning. It was too early even for her.  
She turned around to see Clint sleeping with his back to her. She took a moment and appreciated the man next to her. His toned muscles made his back look like it was made of marble. Even the scars that had marked him did nothing to reduce his perfection. They made him complete, they made him the man that he was.  
Some of them she knew some others she didn’t. She touched lightly a big one between his shoulder blades and he moaned. 

A smile graced her face when she heard him and she hug tightly her pillow. She didn’t want to wake him. He was so calm, so beautiful, almost vulnerable.  
She knew at if he sensed any danger he would wake up with his gun -that remained under the pillow on his side of her bed- ready to shoot. Still she liked to think him vulnerable,  
just as vulnerable as she was around him. Because she loved him, and love was a weakness. 

Since she was a little girl, her instructors told her that there was no such thing as love or trust. If she trusted someone else in the program, they would betray her,  
just like everyone else she would do business with. She could only trust herself. Only she cared about her. 

When she met Alexei it was something magical. She felt her defenses go down at once and she dreamed of the day that he would save her from them. He had told her that he loved her, that he wanted to marry her and take her away. She had given up on any idea about escaping and gave herself completely to him. She felt weak when she was alone, incomplete when she was without him and unsure. She was scared to be alone and needed his presence to feel like herself again. When he was gone the whole world shuttered into pieces in front of her eyes. She couldn’t believe that he was dead and for days she felt a huge void inside her. She didn’t know who she was or what to do.  
When she found out what they had done to her she swore that she would never let herself feel like that again. She would never love again. 

When she met Clint, it was the exact opposite. He made his way through her defenses and she let him. Little by little he gained her trust and loving him, came naturally.  
It was like this was supposed to happen all along. It had been six months since that amazing day in his house, where they made love for the first time, and she was seeing him rarely.  
They had both been cleared for missions and they didn’t have the luxury to always partner with each other. With him she felt complete no matter how far he was.  
She was her own person; she didn’t depend on him to live. 

What she felt for Clint was something different, something deeper. She had no idea how to express it but she didn’t need to. She thought that she knew love. She didn’t.  
What had been resurfaced from the depths of her soul wasn’t love. She never knew love. What he woke was the will to open up and let herself trust someone else.  
She was foolish to do so the first time. Maybe she was foolish again. He logic told her to be cautious but her heart screamed that this man had proved himself over and over again, something that Alexei had never done. 

The need to feel him had grown in her and she couldn’t wait anymore. She poked lightly his arm three times until he groaned and turned around. 

“Morning” he said, his voice muffled and his eyes heavy from sleep

“Hey” she whispered and snuggled in his arms. 

She only had him for eighteen hours and it was a matter of time until the phone would ring and she or he would be needed somewhere miles away from each other.  
So she would have as much of him she could. 

And that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that was the end!  
> thank you everyone for putting up with my delays!  
> I hope you liked it and I would really love to know what you think of it!  
> your comments and kudos kept me going so thanks for that!  
> <3 <3 <3


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